I’m gagging with laughter. I found this from my 11 year old story when I was in sixth grade and Ariel/Lucifer or “Starguassi” was sincerely trolling the everliving fuck outta me. Eating moss, using crop circles as the Craigslist personals, and meanwhile Uriel or “Lira” is trying to read a Japanese newspaper???
I spent all last night with Lucidork/Phanes/Ariel/Eros/Aion/Protogonos/Angra Mainyu/Zurvan reading my old first novel which I may post hilarious excerpts from, and god is it bad… it a very sincere sixth grade way, the time I was reading and writing Avatar: The Last Airbender fanfic. My writing is really cute, but like I’m high on… pixie dust. He froze me last night for like ten minutes. I was in two comforters and a sweater and still my back felt like a fridge. I should NOT have given him wine and strawberries. He also was manifesting on the ceiling last night like SpiderPig??? I mean, he didn’t look like a pig, just a blazing red star and black void, but still SpiderPig on principle.
Stay away from the pixies, Star! You’ll break out in hives!
Starguassi lay sprawled over a mossy patch of forest floor, his back propped up against a gnarled tree. Fiddling with an apple he’d swiped from a garden earlier, he groaned with boredom and closed his eyes, flopping back against the trunk.
“Lira, what are you doing?” he moaned, dropping the apple lazily onto the ground.
Lira was standing a few feet away, shading herself from the hot sun under an oak. She held a newspaper in her hands, and her eyes were scrunched in concentration.
“Star, could you just shut your mouth for one second? I’m trying to read the newspaper and see what is happening in the human world. But I can’t make out a word of this text! Urgh, it’s like a jumble of squiggles!” Lira said hotly, squinting at the paper.
“Maybe that’s because you’re reading the Japanese newspaper,” Star said lazily, blowing a strand of hair out of his eyes.
Lira glared at Starguassi with an expression that could kill the strongest man. “At least I’m doing something,” she spat.
Star lifted his head. “I am doing something! I’m trying to find something edible around here so we don’t starve to death!” He grabbed a fistful of moss and shoved it in his mouth, crunching it between his teeth. “See?” he said, his voice muffled by the moss, “tastes like leather!” His face twisted sourly, and he promptly spit the chewed-up moss back out.
Lira rolled her eyes. “Wow, you have the potential to have a great career. I can see it now: Starguassi, the Master Sampler of Fungi, Moss, and Anything Else He Can Get His Hands On!”
“At least I can tell the difference between scribbles and English,” he muttered, chomping into the apple.
“It’s not MY fault humans have hundreds of different languages! Why can’t they just pick one and stick with it?”
“Beats me,” Star said, closing his eyes.
“Can you be any more laid back?” Lira asked, frustrated. Her question was met with silence.
“Great, he’s fallen asleep. Isn’t a twelve hour nap long enough to wake him up?” she mumbled. Deciding it was high time to get a newspaper she could actually read, Lira set off to town after quickly transforming herself.
After 15 minutes, two Cinnabons, and one mochiatto, she was back with a newspaper.
One glance at the front page of the Washington Post and her eyes bulged out from their sockets.
“You IDIOT!” she screeched, hurling her burning hot coffee at Starguassi. He yelped in pain, springing up from the ground.
“WHAT is your PROBLEM?” Star yelled, wiping the brown liquid off his face, all the while wincing in extreme pain.
“THIS IS THE PROBLEM!” Lira replied furiously. Her green eyes bore holes in Starguassi and her warm brown lips were as cold as stone. Shoving the front page of the newspaper at Starguassi, Lira pointed accusingly at the headline.
“Shenanigans in Fairfax Reach All Time High!-What?” Starguassi said, craning his neck in puzzlement as he read the headline. “Alien Symbols Found in Farm!” Starguassi took one glance at the photo accompanying this article and his face burned a deep crimson. The picture showed a gaggle of scientists scrutinizing a field of wheat where dozens of indentations of symbols had been made. Written in Pralebian, the official language of Centrions, were the words “SINGLE, SEXY CENTRION MALE LOOKING FOR POTENTIAL GIRLFRIEND.”
“So THIS is why you were too busy yesterday afternoon to help me set up camp!” Lira snapped, snatching back the newspaper, crumpling it up, and tossing it at Starguassi’s head.
“Ow!” he said, rubbing his forehead.
“Is this your idea of some sick joke? Unless you’re interested in the human girls-
“Ugh, no, you mean those furless apes? Come on, give me some sympathy, I haven’t seen a luscious, Centrion maiden for months-“
“Oh, and I’m just chopped gribknott!”
“Look, Lira, I didn’t mean that-
“Shut up, you lecherous cretin!”
“Look Lira, calm down, and stop using big vocabulary, you know I don’t understand-
“Yeah, and you obviously don’t understand what you did! What do you think will happen if an alien ship filled with lusty girls who happen to see the message? How do you think the humans will react when they see a blobs Spacepreservative alien-filled lumps crash in the middle of a parking lot?”
Starguassi turned to Lira with puppy-eyes. “Forget about it, okay? I was just having a bit of fun-
“Fun that could get us exposed,” Lira mumbled.