Absolutely a siren song luring you to crash.

Take not this day you heart to danger’s shore
Whare rocks are lethal singing their sweet songs
For peril waits for you in its dark store

Its songs may lure you sounding oh so pure
Honeyed words put right all this world’s wrongs
Take not your heart this day to danger’s shore

Use all your wits to know what is the score
Entangle not your heart in smiling fronds
For peril waits for you in their dark store

Remember those who floundered here before
This cannot be where your true soul belongs
Take not your heart this day to danger’s shore
For peril waits for you in its dark store

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Azarak? Geschneit!

Phanes/Lucifer/Ahriman told me his “true name” in his never-ending theosophical identity crisis last night while he was laser beaming galaxies in his spaceship and suddenly possessed me with divine bloodlust and glee and had me screaming AZARAK as he was destroying nebulaes and then he intoned in a Pete Steele voice TOGETHER, WE WILL CREATE A NEW AEON.  THE AEON OF THE LION-FACED SERPENT IN THE PHOENIX’S ASH.

I thought maybe he was sneezing, and had gotten me allergic to manpain, but apparently… Azarak is a name for the witch god in the eponymous Gardner chant, Eko Eko Azarak, used in Samhain ritual and by witches for over a century, and facetiously, or not at all, derives from the Arabic “The Blue One,” aka the Devil, or Melek Taus, whose color in my seven year old cosmology was a holy blue and the Yazidis are forbidden from wearing, aka my baby daddy.  It’s a stretch, and probably wrong, but test me fucking alien thot for making me scream AZARAK.

My psychic friend was doing a reading on me and she said “You’re pregnant with your guiding angel’s baby, the M one, but it’s not Michael. It’s the other one.”  And I was like… Michael??? But then I was like, oh, right, Sam’s other phase, Melek Taus, and she smiled and said that one.  That’s my second psychic friend to do a cold reading on me and get just an “M” for his name.

If he insists on being called “Azarak,” I’m buying all of E.a.(t my Jorts) Koetting’s coursework.



God bless you.


Top Ally McBeal Songs: A Musical Retrospective

These are what I always sang to Blonde Wonderboy when I was a wee lass.  Another more famous Allie but unlike my friends, I am not about to graduate from Standford/Cornell/Georgetown Law School.  In fact, I would probably flunk the LSAT.  Most my friends are either in medical school or lawyers and I’m fucking shitposting about a Primordial God and avoiding editing my first academic article.

What I sang to “Star” while I watched Venus rise out my window every night:

The one I sang to him after complaining about elementary school boy problems.  Phanes/Aion/Yaldabaoth/Elder God is actually a great listener when you are seven years old and have a crush on the bad boy you play Power Rangers at recess with:

What I would sing to Star when we were talking late into the midnight hour and I wanted to play princess of the literal universe:

My jams never fade.  Time to start listening to Robert Downey Jr sing on the soundtrack again.  Hopefully I don’t get replaced by Bon Jovi midseason for doing crack and going to jail.




Shitposting to get 666 Followers for, ahem, “Eros Protogonos Phanes”

“This Eros is not simply the god of Love in flight over the sea, which in this context is a reference to his mother Aphrodite, but rather he is Eros Protogonos Phanes, the powerful force that unifies and balances the cosmos, flying between Heaven and Earth. His presence alone is the catalyst that brings about the birth of the divine race. The god, whose cult was revived in Athens in the Peisistratid era, came to be seen as a civilizing power that establishes balance and order, just as Theseus reasserts order and balance by the destruction of monsters and brigands on the exterior of the cup.

I’m one follower away from getting to 666.

Hail, looks at hand, uh, “Eros Protogonos Phanes”

Blonde Wonderboy High on Weed

On dating Samael when your older brother/drunk guardian angel is also Samael and you are 13 and somehow Metatron thinks this is all okay

Written at 12.  “Ragnar” is Samael.  “Starguassi” is Samael.  I was torn between blonde Lucifer/Ariel/Blonde Wonderboy/Ahriman and Persian dude named after a Viking, yet I pulled “Ragnar” from my ass and did not know he was the Vikings mascot.  He was a space demon general Assassin Viking.  Starguassi/Doonzai is… my evil alter-ego/Phanes/Lucifer/Ahriman/Mr Multiple Personality Disorder.  This is not my only novel where Samael steals a girl from himself.  Just look at Morozko and Koshchei that I wrote at 22.  Brb I’m just procrastinating by shitposting and not editing my article, mmk bye.




“O beautiful you are, good sire,

As but a demon prince could be,

But to the course of your desire

I never shall agree.


You wound me with your crude behest;

I dread what you extol;

Your heavy eyes, as though possessed,

Gleam down into my soul.”


“Lucifer”-Mihai Eminescu


I scanned the battlefield, frantically searching for the source of his shrieks.  I saw him just a few yards away from me, veiled by a clump of heathergrass.

“Yes!” I screamed, relieved I had found him in the knick of time.  Sprinting over to Ragnar, I crouched down over him, my worst fears confirmed.

He had a gaping wound where General Elvira had struck him.

Hot tears clouded my vision, blurring Ragnar’s grief-stricken face as he wailed in agony.  Blood blossomed from the injuries as his chest shook in painful convulsions.

“Callie…” he moaned, and suddenly went limp.

“Damn, damn, DAMN!” I screamed, tearing off his armor chestplate and ripping away the fabric underneath.  The tolchoch had inflicted a gaping wound; I hadn’t seen something so serious before.  What am I supposed to do?  Closing my eyes, I tried to focus on Madame Graindar’s lesson on clotting wounds.

She had said something about channeling your energy into the victim’s bloodstream… here goes nothing!

Placing my palm on Ragnar’s chest, I felt the familiar stream of magic coursing through my forearm.  I willed the energy forward, pushing it out of my body.  Quickly, an electric violet cloud of magic encased my hand.  I felt heat building on Ragnar’s skin, and soon the blood started to dry, changing into a hideous pus-filled scab.  It worked, thank God!

“Ragnar, Ragnar, wake up!” I whispered, shaking his shoulders gently.  Unkempt raven-black hair fell across his face I nudged his head.  He was still breathing; inhaling shallow, heavy breaths, but his eyes remained closed.

I scanned the deserted battleground, searching for leatherweed.  For the first time, I was actually thankful Starguassi had used the putrid herb on me.  Spotting a brown clump of it, I ran over and snatched it from the soil.  Rushing over to Ragnar, I placed the leatherweed under his nose.

Instantly, his gold eyes shot open and he started to gag, retching with disgust.

“Are you trying to murder my sense of smell?” he rasped, focusing his goldenrod eyes on me. My heart skipped a beat, pounding happily in my chest.  He was okay, I’d saved him!

Dropping the leatherweed, I hugged Ragnar with all my might.  He winced in pain from his chest wound, so I pulled away from him, clasping his hands in mine.

“What the devil?…” Ragnar muttered, glancing down at his chest. His mouth opened in shock as he looked up at me. “You mean I’m not dead?”

“Do you really think I’m such a horrible healer?” I teased.

“Truthfully, yes, but I suppose I should revise my opinion,” he said, tenderly touching his scab.  Scrunching his face in concentration, Ragnar’s chest glowed with yellow light and immediately the wound disappeared.

Compared to him, I was a preschooler with a Playskool stethoscope.

“You’re right, this hurts too damn much for me to be dead,” he winced, gingerly sitting up.  “What happened?”

“It was General Elvira, my Weapons Master.  Can’t you remember?”

“My memories a bit cloudy…” he murmured. Suddenly, his eyes shot open in realization. “Oh.”

I briefly recalled the battle of Death River.  I remembered all the blood, all the carnage, the destruction and the hate.  It made me sick that I’d become accustomed to war. Am I losing some of my humanity in the process?

“Wait, what were you doing in the battle, Callie? My lieutenants told me none of the Servastrum youth army was fighting,” Ragnar asked.

“Umm… We were short on troops and Ralhorn wanted my class to gain some experience,” I lied quickly. Well, I couldn’t exactly tell him I’d come to keep Doonzai under control, could I?

“Then where’s my army? Why did they abandon me? Are they okay?” he questioned urgently.

I nodded in the direction of the Death Plain.  Ragnar followed my gaze, looking at the telltale black acid covering the ground in a spiral pattern that stretched on for miles.  They were a dead giveaway for Starguassi/Doonzai’s fatal signature attack; the poisonous twister he created when pissed off.  And this time, he’d been pissed at the Darkened, and I’d been too busy protecting Ragnar to stop him.  Starguassi was in for it when I got back to Servastrum.

“So that damned Doonzai ambushed us!” Ragnar growled, struggling to stand.  I put his arm around my shoulder, supporting him as he clutched his chest, gagging.

It was true.  Starguassi had gotten Bane, our double-agent, to tell Apocalypse to send a general to Death River so Doonzai and the general could negotiate an alliance. Of course it was all a trick, and of course that general had to be Ragnar.

“I’ll murder that foul liar even if I die trying!” Ragnar shouted in furor, shaking his fist.

“Calm down, you idiot!  Could you at least wait until you’re better?” I asked, leading him to a boulder and helping him to sit down.

“Fine,” he said sourly, scowling at me with indignant eyes. “Do you have any food? If I eat I’ll fully recover.”

Of course, Ragnar’s stomach was as powerful as always. Reaching into my jeans pocket, I took out my last Chewy granola bar and handed it to him, making sure to remove the wrapper so he didn’t eat it. “Here,” I said.

“Thanks,” he said in between mouthfuls, scarfing it down. “Where are my troops?”

“I’m sorry, most of them died.  But a few escaped on the starpods. It seemed like they thought Doonzai killed you.”

“Then how did I survive?”

I blushed. “Well, I kind of made sure you were okay.”

His eyes popped open. “How in the world did you manage to protect me?”

Wow, I had no idea my cheeks could go higher than 110 degrees farenheit. “You remember how you and Elvira were fighting, and then she delivered that almost-fatal blow to your chest. She thought you were dead.  I tried to come to you, but I was head to head with a golem. But then I saw Doonzai getting ready to attack, and all of my friends retreating, and I realized you were in danger.  I panicked and ran over to you-

“Wait, you did what!?! Callie, do you have any damned idea how dangerous Doonzai is? He could have killed you!” Ragnar interrupted, glaring at me like I was a three year old who’d just flushed Daddy’s credit card down the toilet.

“Yeah, genius, no duh I know! And it’s thanks to my recklessness that your unthankful ass was saved!” I shot back, angry.  Why did Ragnar always have to patronize me whenever I risky, but he could do whatever he wanted to protect me?

“I was doing fine by myself; I didn’t need any heroic Callie action to ‘save my sorry ass’, thanks!” Ragnar said, buckling his chestplate back into place.

Breathe, one-two-three-four. Be the mature one here, end the argument now, I thought. “Fine, think what you want to, Ragnar.  But all that matters is that you’re alright.  Now let’s ditch this joint and get some lunch.”

“Sounds good to me,” Ragnar smiled as he got up off the rock, his manly pride unchallenged once again. Glancing sadly at the battlefield once more, he wrapped his armored arm around me as we walked towards Centriona.


We arrived at Congregation Square at high afternoon, the center of Dandylale market town. Ragnar was disguised as an elf as usual, his slit-pupil eyes and fangs hidden.  The cobblestoned square buzzed with people, mostly students from Servastrum taking advantage of afternoon break.  As far as they knew, there had never been a battle.

“Ah, it’s such a nice day!” I exclaimed, twirling around as a sunkissed breeze touched my skin.

“Look, I’m Callie, making a spectacle of myself is so much fun!” Ragnar imitated me in a high-pitched voice, spinning around stupidly.

“Stop!” I giggled, grabbing his arm before he crashed into a klepsot stand.

“Oops,” Ragnar said, realizing his proximity to the stand.

And I wondered why people stared at us in public so much.

“So, where’s the promised food?” Ragnar asked, rubbing his stomach.

I rolled my eyes. “Come on, there’s a great Heptol House called Dragon’s Talon right there!” I said, pointing at a rustic tavern just across the square.

“Sounds good to me,” Ragnar said, following me across Congregation Square and into Dragon’s Talon.

We entered the airy and comfortable Heptol House, the Starbucks of this planet.  Centrions and elves lounged on the microfiber cushions, chatting over steaming cups of heptol and lunch as light poured in through the large glass dome roof.  Ragnar and I found a cozy corner cushion at the back of the room, two floating plates already awaiting us.

“Why does everything on Phree have to be so clean and comfy?” Ragnar grumbled, sliding onto the cushion next to me.

“Because they’re civilized, unlike you,” I teased.

“But that makes me more fun.”

“Yeah, right. Prove it.”

Nuzzling the top of my head playfully, he growled lasciviously. I laughed, batting his face back.

“You’re such a weirdo,” I said.  How did I get saddled with a boyfriend who thought he was an animal?

“But I’m your weirdo, Calliope.”

“Don’t call me that!”


“Shut up!”


“Excuse me, may I interrupt?” a gentle, regal voice asked.

“Huh?” Ragnar and I said in unison, startled.  I blushed immediately, recognizing the cornflower blue eyes, mottled grey wings and dappled grey horse legs as Mizilla, Barnock’s wife. Mizilla and Barnock were like Starguassi’s parents, they had raised him since he was an infant.  She also happened to own Dragon’s Talon.

“S-sorry, Mizilla,” I stuttered, looking down at my legs.

“It’s alright, Callie,” Mizilla said kindly, patting me in a motherly fashion on the shoulder. “I just spotted you over here and couldn’t help paying a visit.  So how is Servastrum?”

“Nice, thanks. So what are you doing now?”

“Actually, I’m having lunch with Barnock and Starguassi. I know, how about we dine together? Your friend can join us! Come, come!” Mizilla ushered a quiet Ragnar and me out of our seats.  He glanced at me, unsaid questions in his eyes.

Mizilla led us to a circle of cushions, and sure enough there were Barnock and Star, both eating klepsot.  How surprising.

“Barnock, Star, we have guests!” Mizilla announced cheerfully, sitting next to Barnock.  Both of them looked up, Starguassi looking at me, then Ragnar, and then back again.

“Greetings, greetings Callie.  And who are you?” Barnock said, directing the question at Ragnar.

We each sat down, Ragnar on Mizilla’s left and me on Star’s right.

“Good to meet you too, sir, I’m Ragnar,” he said tensely, nodding his head in greeting as he faced his archenemy.  What a git, of course he can’t make up a name like Joe or George.

“Oh, really? Is it a burden having to share a name with a monster like Lord Ragnar?” Barnock asked jovially.

“Yes, sir,” Ragnar said tensely, looking at me out of the corner of his eye. I shrugged, not offering much support.

A waitress came to us, and before anyone could speak Mizilla ordered heptol for all of us.  Hence the name Heptol House.

“Starguassi, where are your manners, say hello to our new elf friend!” Barnock said, not realizing he hadn’t given anyone else a chance to speak.

“Hey Ragnar.” Starguassi said, turning on his 100-watt smile as he over to shake Ragnar’s hand, something I’d taught Starguassi to do. Ragnar grasped Star’s hand tentatively, not familiar with human greeting customs.

“The pleasure is mine,” Ragnar said darkly, growing more uncomfortable by the minute.

Star turned to me.

“So, Callie, did I miss a major development in your love life?” Starguassi asked, oblivious to everything. For the millionth time, I wanted to strangle him.

“What are you talking about?” I stuttered, mortified.

He gestured towards Ragnar.

“Starguassi Reynolds Glore, shut your mouth this instant!” Mizilla ordered.  Starguassi cringed, Mizilla’s glare did what mine could not; make blonde wonder-boy shut up.

Mizilla looked at Ragnar and me, embarrassed. “Excuse my son, I do hope Starguassi is behaving himself at school, I hear he has quite the reputation as a gentleman there. Is that true?” Mizilla asked, trying to change the conversation.

I accidentally snorted.  “More like a womanizer,” I answered.

Mizilla’s eyes bulged.  Shoot, did I actually just say that?

“That’s my boy!” Barnock said, slapping Star on the back.

Thanks, Chosen Dunce. Starguassi thought over our damned  mind connection.

You’re welcome.  So this is why Doonzai had to leave in the midst of a battle; he had lunch plans. I retorted.

Star glared at me. I killed 10,234 more Darkened then you, so you have no right to talk.

After the bout of silence, our heptol came.  Conversation flowed easily, with Barnock dictating it.  Finally, an hour passed, and Barnock had to leave for a War Council.  Starguassi hugged him goodbye, and then Mizilla as she announced she had to leave.

“It was a pleasure meeting you, Ragnar! You must come to my shop again!” Mizilla said, hugging Ragnar in the Centrion fashion.  Ragnar cringed, awkwardly returning the hug.

“Um, bye,” he said, standing where he was as Mizilla trotted off.

“Could you excuse the two of us for a second, Ragnar?” Starguassi said, though it was more like an order.

“Sure, I’ll be in the lavatory,” Ragnar said, gritting his teeth as he stalked of.  Starguassi raised his eyebrow.

“Your boyfriend seems dour,” Starguassi said.

“I NEVER SAID HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND!” I screamed, pounding him in the chest.

“Oh, please, Callie, you’re a worse liar then that Pinocchio puppet,” Star said, grabbing my wrists and securing them to my side.

“I should never have showed you that movie. Anyway, it’s none of your business.”

“Wrong! See, I think of you as my little sister, so as an older brother, I have the right to know what’s going on.”

“Starguassi, I’d murder myself if I shared blood with you!” I said, fake-stabbing myself.

“Oh, really? Then let’s get a blood transfusion already!” Star said, azure eyes gleaming.

“Shut up.  Now tell me already what you need to talk about.”

His eyes grew darker.  Flexing his wings so that they veiled the two of us, Starguassi sat down so that he was eye-to-eye with me.  “Okay, Callie, answer me this; where were you after the battle?  I searched everywhere but couldn’t find you.  What happened?”

I winced. “I…um… well, that’s a good question… see…” My mind reeled.  What was I supposed to say?

“Let’s talk about this upstairs, shall we?” Starguassi said through gritted teeth, flinging me onto his back before I could protest.  He marched behind the Dragon’s Talon counter and up to the second level where he lived with Mizilla.

We entered the open entrance deck, a stunning garden filled with blossoming flowers and marble statues through which a small stream trickled.  As you can see, Centrions have a thing for roof gardens.

I felt Star’s cold, slimy back and realized he hadn’t transformed back yet, he was using a strong disguise.  I recoiled in disgust, sliding down his flank, a technique I’d mastered.  Looking at the inside of my jeans, I saw they were soaked with black slime.

“Eww!” I squeaked, glaring up at Starguassi who smirked in return.

“Once you’re done retching, could you answer my question?” he asked, crossing his arms in impatience.

“I was just scared and ran away back to the Dringwillow lodge,” I said. Yes, Callie, a believable lie!

“Oh,” Starguassi said.

“You might want to change back now,” I mentioned.

“Right,” Starguassi said, dropping his disguise and revealing his true form.

I found myself looking up at a towering evil beast with raven black skin and crimson eyes, complete with fangs, poison, barbed skin, dragon-like feet, dozens of electric tentacles, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.  He was a demon of my darkest imaginings, and so God help me if I wanted to wet my pants every time I saw him.

Starguassi grinned, his cruel lips revealing razor-sharp teeth.

“Rarrgh!!” he growled.

“AHH!!” I screamed despite myself.

Starguassi laughed at me, his cold, cruel laughs sending chills up my spine.  “I swear, Callie, you just jumped three feet off the ground,” he said in his cold, seductively dark voice.

“Shut up, idiot.  First you ruin my pants and now you have the nerve to scare the crap out of me,” I said, scowling, “Let’s just get this over with.” I said, grabbing his hands so we could get the whole thing over with already.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps coming up the staircase. Someone would see Star!

“Quick, hide, under the bush!” I whispered, diving under the plant just as I realized Starguassi wouldn’t fit.

“Smart move, kid,” Star muttered, turning his back to me.  All I could see under the bush were his feet, dripping acid as always.  I curled up into a ball, trying to hide myself.

A pair of nondescript black boots stepped into my vision range.

“Whoever you are, I warn you, step back or you risk your life,” Starguassi said in a formidable voice. I had to give him props for playing the evil villain well.

“Where is she!?!” A familiar voice demanded.

“Who?” Starguassi asked.

“Don’t play the fool with me, Doonzai! Give me the girl now or I’ll rip your eyes from their sockets with my bare hands!” Ragnar bellowed, advancing.

“Who are you, foolish elf, to challenge my power?” Starguassi spat.

“You very well can see past my disguise, rat!” Ragnar said.

“What?” Starguassi said, genuinely surprised.

“I’m Lord Ragnar, you idiot!” he barked.

“You are?” Star asked, totally shocked.

Say no, say no! I pleaded silently.



Starguassi knew I was in love with a Dark general, he knew I was dating the enemy.  A demon second only to Apocalypse, nonetheless.  Why me?

I saw a yellow light surround the boots, and in their place were clawed talons.  Ragnar had transformed into his full demon glory.

“YOU!” Starguassi screamed, no doubt recalling all the instances he had seen Ragnar. Like the time Ragnar nearly killed Barnock.  Or the time Ragnar burned down a whole town.  Or the time Ragnar led a surprise attack on the youth army. The list goes on and on.

What ensued was a full-out battle.  Of course, all I saw was an excess of exploding red and yellow light and lots of cursing.  But I had to give them credit, even from under a shrubbery it was a pretty vicious fight.  Then again, they were all powerful demons, so what else did I expect?

Then I realized this was a perfect time for me to escape.

I carefully slid out from under the bush, inching on my elbows.  From my view on the roof, I saw the town was in an uproar at the two demons fighting in the sky.  I felt guilty.  This never would have happened if Ragnar and I had done take-out.

Running to the stairs, I hurried down them.  I had to put a stop to this fight, once and for all.  Rushing towards the center of Congregation Square, I arrived at the familiar marble statue of a Centrion bard.  Gritting my teeth, I scaled the statue, ignoring cries from people down below wondering what I was doing.

Finally, after seven minutes of strenuous climbing, I arrived at the tip of the marble wing, three stories in the air, and within range for Starguassi and my special psychic channel.



Look, I know, okay?  Just calm down and stop fighting!

Calm down? If you haven’t noticed I’m in the middle of saving my skin from a rabid devil! I may be powerful, but I have no experience! Nada! Zilch!

All the more reason to hightail it out of there!

Fine, I’ll try, but our friend Ragnar here might destroy me in the process.

I looked upwards towards the sky, gazing at the two pinpoints of light that were Starguassi and Ragnar.  Like a shooting star, one began to rapidly fall to the ground. Within moments, he collided into the middle of Congregation Square, sending cobblestones flying as people fled the scene. The debris cleared and I could see Doonzai/Starguassi sprawled on the ground. I rushed down the statue as he staggered up, glaring at me.

“Watch out!” I screamed.  Ragnar swooped towards him on agile wings, murder in his eyes.  Starguassi dove out of the way at the last second, forcing Ragnar to bank left and land messily on the rubble.

Don’t come any closer, Callie! Starguassi ordered.

“What kind of man are you, one that can murder hundreds without even a hint of remorse?” Ragnar growled, lunging at Starguassi.

“Hypocritical talk for someone who attacks a children’s school,” Star shot back, dodging Ragnar and parrying his attack with a bolt of red energy.  Ragnar conjured a yellow shield the attack bounced off of and quickly retaliated with a deadly twister of fire.  The blazing tornado sped after Star, who in his panic tripped on the rubble, sprawling to the ground.  My palms grew clammy with worry, was Star okay?  He may be powerful, but without Doonzai’s wrath he has no idea how to control his powers.  All he can manage are the most elementary of attacks, while Ragnar is fighting with master experience.

“What’s wrong with you, are you toying with me!?!” Ragnar spat, circling Starguassi like a lion stalks its prey.  He emitted a guttural growl, bearing his fangs and flashing his intense yellow eyes.  Within a split second, Ragnar had Star in a headlock, only making contact with his armor to avoid Starguassi’s poisonous black flesh.  Starguassi roared, standing up and rearing on his hind legs, clawing at Ragnar’s arms.  Ragnar hung stubbornly to Star’s neck, attempting to choke him.  I knew better than to interfere, but I was growing desperate.  If Starguassi didn’t escape soon, he was toast.

“Damn!” Star rasped, finally managing to free himself. Rage sparked in his eyes as he grabbed Ragnar’s forearm, holding him like a ragdoll in front of him. Ragnar struggled futilely; it was obvious Starguassi had total control.  With one solid punch, Starguassi broke Ragnar’s jaw, gold blood spurting out of his face.  Ragnar bellowed in pain, driving the spike of his wing into Starguassi’s thumb.  Starguassi howled and dropped Ragnar, who landed on his feet and drove the spiked fingertips of his gauntlet into Star’s chest.  I felt bile rise in my stomach as the gauntlet spikes came out of Starguassi’s back, but I knew it would be alright.  Apparently Ragnar wasn’t aware of Doonzai’s regenerative properties.

Ragnar pulled away, smirking in triumph as Starguassi wailed in pain.  I cringed as black guts spilled onto the ground, their stench making me nauseous.

Are you okay?

What does it look like!?! No, I’m fine, I can feel the skin growing back already.

Starguassi clutched the hole in his stomach as the skin miraculously healed.  Instantly not a trace of the wound was left and Starguassi regained his composure, a dark glimmer in his eyes.

“WHAT? That’s impossible!” Ragnar yelled, fanning his wings in anger.

“I beg to differ,” Starguassi smiled, spreading his glossy claret wings to display their full glory. “You have two options, Lord Ragnar.  Seeing as I am invincible, you can surrender now and leave in peace. Or, you can fight, but further resistance will prove fruitless.  What is your will?”

“Option three, you give me the girl or die. Now where is she, I demand to know,” Ragnar said coldly, clenching his fists in anger.  Apparently he hadn’t noticed me.

“Over here, Ragnar!” I yelled, waving at him.  Ragnar whirled around in surprise.

“Callie, you’re alright!” he exclaimed, a dorky grin spreading across his face.  Forgetting he was in the middle of a deadly battle, he rushed over to me.

Now’s your cue to run, Starguassi.

Are you crazy? Do you want to be left alone with this guy?

Shut up! I’m fine, now go.  Your luck won’t last much longer if you stay.

Fine. I’ll be right behind you to protect you, though.

What, how?

Just trust me.

And with that, Starguassi evaporated.  Literally, he was there and then, suddenly, he dissolved.  Creepy? Yes.  Confusing? You betcha.

Before I could react to Star’s disappearing act, Ragnar swept me into his rough embrace.

“You’re okay, Callie! I thought you were d- dead,” Ragnar whispered quickly. “Don’t worry, I will save you from Doonzai! Just stay-

Ragnar stopped in midsentence when he looked up and realized Doonzai was gone.

“Where are you, Doonzai? Show yourself!” Ragnar addressed Doonzai, searching for him in the empty town square.

“I- I saw him fly away.  He looked scared,” I answered, covering up for Star.

“Oh,” Ragnar said, relieved, “No wonder, that coward doesn’t have the guts to face the general of the troops he killed!” He looked down at me, concerned. “Did he harm you at all, Callie?” Ragnar questioned, cupping my face gently in his hands.

“I’m fine, I managed to escape,” I said, gently touching his broken jaw.  I concentrated my willpower into fixing his bone. Miraculously, I managed to fully heal it, instead of making his head explode or messing the spell up in some other way. Dr. Callie saves another life! Seriously, I should be on Grey’s Anatomy.

“Thanks,” he smiled, his wide grin revealing razor-sharp fangs.  “Now let’s get out of here before anyone sees us.”

“I second that motion!” I replied, brushing a stray lock of hair behind my ears. Only in times of crises did I forget about my hair. “Quick, follow me!” I sprinted into the empty alley between Dragon’s Talon and its neighbor store.

Ragnar followed in silence, his steady pace behind me. Thoughts rushed through my heads, panic at the destruction Ragnar and Doonzai had caused. Did they leave a trace of what had happened? Did anyone witness the fight? What if someone saw me with them? No, I assured myself.  By the time I’d gotten down from the statue, the crowd had fled and the streets were barren.  For all they knew, I was just a mentally unstable girl who climbed statues when she should have been running.

After weaving through endless alleys, we finally arrived at the colossal granite wall that served as the border for Dandylale.

“Great, how do we get over that?” I shouted.  Over the course of just a few minutes, nervous shouts and voices had started growing throughout the town, making it nearly impossible to hear.  It would be especially hard now to get out of Dandylale unnoticed, with the whole town in a ruckus.

Ragnar smirked, his eyes glowing with mischief.  “I’ve got just the solution to our wall problem,” he said, patting the wall like it was a good friend.

“What genius plan do you have now- What are you doing?” I screamed, laughing.  Ragnar scooped me up in his arms, maneuvering me so that I was straddled over his waist, horseback style. I quickly wrapped my arms around his neck so I didn’t fall off.

“Thanks,” I said wryly, adjusting myself so I wasn’t smothered by the leathery wings sprouting from his shoulder blades.

“You’re welcome, Callie.  Now hold on unless you want to meet an untimely death,” Ragnar said, spreading his wings to their full ten foot wingspan.  In an instant he set off on a breakneck sprint, barreling through the shadowed backstreet.  I dug my nails into his chest, holding on for dear life as the wind roared in my ears.  Ragnar arched his claret wings and immediately lifted off the ground.

“Watch out!” I hollered as he flew towards a stone building.  At the last second he veered left, doing a backflip in midair.  I hung on like a koala to a tree, my screams blocked out by the howl of the wind.  Adrenaline was pumping through my veins; the thrill of flying never wore off.

“Whohoo!” Ragnar yelped, spiraling upwards on a thermal.  In the blink of an eye, we were three stories into the air.  Dandylale kept on shrinking, changing into an architect’s model before my eyes.  Ragnar swooped onto the wall, landing on top of it.  The stone wall was seven feet thick, plenty of room to move around. I slid off his back, finding firm footing on the granite.

“Who needs amusement parks when we have Ragnar?” I asked dramatically, turning to face him.

“Exactly,” he said, letting out a low whistle. “That was an awesome flight, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, and let’s never do it again.”

“You’re no fun, Callie.”

“Yep, I’m just lame old Callie, content to stay on the ground.”

Ragnar grinned, but then his expression grew grim. “What happened up there on the roof? Was that Starguassi fellow Doonzai in disguise?”

My mind reeled. “Um, he took me up to the roof and morphed into himself. Then Doonzai tried to attack me and I hid under a bush, and then you showed up.” That was a plausible lie, right?

“Doonzai must have been consorting with the Master Guardian Barnock. I knew that monster was in cahoots with the Centrions!” Ragnar clenched his fist, the gauntlet’s metal grinding against each itself in a discordant fashion. “But why would he want to attack you?”

I was stumped. “Um-

“What am I thinking? Obviously he could see past my disguise.  He must have been using you as bait to try and lure me away. How low is he?” Ragnar interrupted, continuing his rant.

That was a better cover-up story then I could have ever thought of.

Ragnar surfaced from his anger. “All that matters is that you’re safe, right?” he said, pulling me into him.  I relaxed, letting myself sink into the folds of his armor.

“And that you’re head hasn’t exploded in rage,” I added, laughing as I wrapped my arms around his strong shoulders.  Ragnar’s razorblade face relaxed as his inner tension disappeared.

“That too,” Ragnar murmured, pressing his lips gently against my forehead. I tilted my chin upward so that our mouths met, returning the kiss.  The familiar electric sensation returned, sending warm chills down my spine.  I wanted to stay intoxicated like this forever, drowning in Ragnar’s overpowering presence.

Of course, we never get what we wish for.

hear this out

Brilliant, Devika!


Toast the New Year With Vintage Shots of Ladies Drinking  - ELLE.com

this time,
my ribs are the house of tears of walled up cities, lost.
a sunken pool of total insanity, you might say.
i want to feel antique, like a vintage lampshade burning bright
in the corners of total darkness.
a flower of hope, blooming on my hip, on my lip.

this insanity does all the bizarre things, like a foot inside a mouth,
choking the timeline of flashbacks.
the mewl of sighs, swollen up, gazed up.

i could armor myself, like soft breeze
only at nights now, hallucinations maybe?
the broken air that traps my waist, sits next to me.
it calls me her baby.
a moist conversation.

i often hear whispers of this brain clinging my mouth,
it offers silent prayers too.
i burn with a film of oil in the tongue.
a poisoned needle that disturbs a human.

so, i paint my skin with a nude color…

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The Lion-Faced Serpent and the French Thighs

Phanes-Lucifer-Aion-Ariel-Blonde Wonderboy is the whole reason I learned to write.  I found this today and this is for Izzi and our talk of cats, here “Starguassi” (Ariel) and “Lira” (Uriel) feature as my muses, culminating in the cat-lion-dragon-centaur-alien-thing “Star” going to a McDonalds and ordering “French Thighs”.  If you choose an eleven year old Twilight fan to be your scribe, this is what happens.  He writes a play.  Trying to find the one where he gives his number to other alien ladies in a crop circle.

Written in sixth grade, from the plot of my first novel.  I was almost named Callie.  The other choices were Magdalena or Snorri. 

Allister was kind of a second thought:


Callie moves to Centreville, Virginia to a horrible new family called the Species.  Once there, strange things occur in the midst of her problems. What is the cat that keeps on appearing wherever she goes, and what are the strange dreams she is having?  At her school, Callie meets another student named Darek, who earlier had saved her from a supposedly rabid raven that was attacking her. Instantly she falls head over heels for the stranger and faces extreme difficulties hiding her feelings.  Callie’s new school is filled with a rich variety of characters, from snotty Allison to courageous Zoe. At last, it seems like Callie’s new life won’t be to bad, until the fateful recess in which she meets her fate, the glorious, amazing, unfathomably handsome STARGUASSI!- Wait, what did you say Lira?  What do you mean I have to stop writing, I am NOT twisting the past month’s events a bit! Oh, you want me to record us being rescued by the Chosen Dunce and Doonzai? Do I have to include those crackbrained human police in here?  No, I will not relinquish the language buttons, or whatever the humans call it, oh yeah, a keyboard.  It’s too much fun pressing these rectangular objects. Wait, what are you doing with the haversack? No, not the pixies! AAAAHHH- (Note: Due to a slight fear of pixies, our author has unfortunately ran screaming at the top of his lungs into a forest, the text will be picked up by a slightly more able writer. )

Note to self: NEVER let Starguassi narrate a log, he’ll go into one of his rants about how handsome and ravishing he is, ever since he’s come to Earth he’s gotten a bit vain.  Wait, never mind, Star has always been vain.

Yes, ever since the fateful day at the riverside, Callie’s life was changed forever.  Unbeknownst to her, for two years my hot-tempered prophetic partner and I set out on a quest to find Callie, or the Chosen One.  We spent a year searching the most likely magical universes for the girl, who at the time we assumed would be a boy. It was a depressing year, all there ever was to eat was klepsot, why does Star still like the rancid meat after all these years?  Usually we had to stay with strange villagers (Starguassi gathered about two-hundred fangirls that year.) Also we lacked the proper supplies and had to travel lightly (I wish I had thought of bringing a shaver, you DON’T want to see Star with a hairy chest, it’s NOT pleasant.)  During that Earth year, we discovered only one thing, the Chosen One wasn’t anywhere where we thought he, (in our case, she), would be. And so out of the blue I get a Crystal Call and it turns out Barnock, or the Master Guardian, suspects the Chosen One is on Lost Magic, or Earth since Doonzai went there to try and murder the Chosen One.  Of course we were both shocked at this, since the name literally means lost magic, we still have no idea where Callie gets her powers from. And so for another year Star and I searched all of the lands of planet Earth for the Chosen One, Darek told me that’s why the centaur sightings increased dramatically that year. Well, we finally pinpointed her location to a place called Blue Hills orphanage, where Callie had been living all along.  And then… What is it, Callie? You said your face feels like it’s burning? Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t remember the Bondage, Starguassi must have gotten stung by the pixies. I’ll be right there! (Note:  This laptop is about to be smashed to smithereens by a rampaging Centrion who cannot see through a large mass of bumps covering his face, no doubt an allergic reaction to the pixies that were released earlier.  The-) SMASH!


(After multiple spells and hours of tinkering with the smashed computer, Starguassi has managed to repair it.)  For twelve years, Callie has grown up as an outcast in Arlington, Virginia, the only people who pay attention to her are her beloved “sisters”, orphans that share the same room with her.  And then the atrocious Specie’s came to pick out a young girl from Blue Hills Orphanage, simply so they would be fashionable. In a mere second, Callie’s life is turned upside down and mysteries spring up at every turn.  Who is that cat that follows her everywhere, and what are the strange dreams she keeps on having? In the midst of her unnatural problems, Callie has to deal with fitting in at school and a rivalry with the Queen Bee of Pinkerton Elementary School, the snotty Allison.  In Centreville, Virginia, everything is different. Girls are dating at age twelve, boys actually take an interest in the opposite sex, and Callie finds herself having certain feelings for a clueless boy, Darek, who just happens to be Allison’s “boyfriend.” Unbeknownst to her, two mysterious creatures are following her and watching her every action…

Darek has grown up in the town of Centreville since he was born.  In school, he is an athletic wonder with a passion for art. The only strange thing about Darek is the mysterious death of his father, Careenth.  And then everything changes. While hiking in the woods with his stepfather, Darek stumbles upon a girl in the forest who for a strange reason is being attacked by a rabid raven.  Immediately he and his step dad call for help and the suffering young women is rushed to the hospital, in which she miraculously survives a deep wound, resurfacing from death at the last second.  From that moment on, Darek and Callie’s lives are intertwined by threads greater then their wildest dreams.

All Lira wants is to go back to a normal life, academic work and war training, festival dances, calling her friends on crystal communicators and gossiping about their latest problems, even the occasional blind date with a random Centrion boy.  And then her life changed entirely. For years she and her friend, Starguassi, had been identified as the Warrior and Protectress, key figures in the ancient Prophecy of Four. We had always attended extra practices, much like after school activities for you human beings.  I for one never really expected we would have to do anything for a couple thousand years, but Lira didn’t even think of fighting. Well sure, there was the time she went to defeat Him… but that’s a story for another time.  And as Lira explained already, we searched the universes for a few years, finally narrowing it down to one location, blah, blah, blah.  Lira, this is so boring.  I can’t type this way much longer, I’m sounding just like one of the authors of a school scroll, all bland and boring. (This is Lira.) “Starguassi *Exaggerated girly sigh* ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………………(She always does this.) We can’t send a report back to the Master Guardian about what a hunk you are, as we all know that is the total opposite of the truth. *Rolls eyes* (I swear, one day her eyes and voice will be stuck like that.)”  I object!  You bumbling maiden, you are by no means an acceptable judge for the handsomeness and charm of a young Centrion man!  It took me a year to develop these astounding biceps! *flexes arms to show off dashing muscles.* (This is Callie.) “Starguassi, stop, you’re embarrassing yourself.  If you do that in public a hoard of girls will mob you.”  Well, young human, why aren’t you swooning over my astounding physique?  (The impertinent Callie, once again.) “Because I know the arrogant alien that hides behind your looks, anyway, why would I like someone with a hairy rump?”  You went to far that time, kid.  “Actually Star, in proportion I’m way older than you.”  Well, darn gosh ya’ young whippersnapper!  When I was a youngin I never talked like that tah an elder like that, this here generation is losing all respect fer’ the old ones.  “I might as well respect a rock.”  Would you like to provoke the wrath of Doonzai?  If you’re not careful I might shift into a deranged monster.  (Darek talking here.) “Starguassi, you better be careful, I could banish you to Absence if you provoke me.”  Wow, I’m utterly terrified.  A scrawny thirteen year old human-mage is going to attack me.  You should eat more meat young man, if you want to impress the ladies. *Winks*.  Right, Lira baby?  (Lira talking.) “If you’re not careful Starguassi, I might bring out the pixies again.  (No!  Not those terrifying stinging butterflies!)  Star, what are you doing? Are you typing down everything we say?  Let me see! (No, I will not surrender the buttons!)  What do you mean I have a girly sigh?  We are NOT sending this report away!” –Note: Error.  This machine has been smashed once again.  Several repairs will have to be preformed to fix the hoof prints on the screen.

A faint trickle of water echoes through the dank stone hallways, darkened by the lack of light.  Only occasional oily candles can be found, permeating a feeble blue light that barely lights the labyrinth.  A weak smell of rotting flesh wafts throughout the desolate maze, their origins hidden away by towering onyx doors that inhabit the dungeons.  Silver locks adorn the metal bars that are used as handles, banning anyone from attempting to enter the rooms. After weeks of searching through this chamber, one might stumble upon a spiral staircase located near a slit in the wall, undoubtbly a window that admits only a small amount of red light into the dungeons.  The light eerily illuminates the staircase, casting menacing shadows on the slate walls. If one were to dare to walk up the stairs, they would find horrors so horrifying that even I, the Heir of Oblivion, can not describe with mere words. There are poisons so deadly they could gruesomely kill you at the mere sight of them, creatures that only exist in the darkest of places whose main diet mainly consists of souls, and a myriad of other traps and trials that only a master of the Light could defeat.  If it was even possible for someone to cross the second floor, they would find themselves in the headquarters of my army of demons and the Darkened. I am imagining at this point what would happen next, since there is no way in the infinite universes a Warrior of the Light could get past my army, but if they did make it to the next staircase they would come to the Vault of Secrets, and I shall never write more than the name of those forces, for NO ONE must know what lies behind those walls. Then, at the top are my living quarters, which contain rooms for torture, killing, dark spell resources, and the common things I need to occupy my free time.  Like the Vault of Secrets, I will once again withhold information from this paper, for if there was any possible way this could fall into the hands of an enemy they might be able to defeat me. And here I am, in my tower overlooking the lands of Hell, amusingly watching souls burn in the fires of Flame Plains. I am Apocalypse, and will forever be a messenger of Kelcha and the Grim Powers, bent at their every will like a lowly servant. I cannot help what I am, so do not pity me. My race takes pleasure in killing, it is only natural. You may think I can control my instinct, and I suppose I could if I went to great extremes. I was born in the human year 130,013 B.C. to my mother and father, Hydra and Typhon.  If you must know, my original name was Lucifer, after an old quirky uncle who could never count to ten. Due to the circumstances of my heritage, I changed my name to Apocalypse, it suited me much more to be named after the imaginary doom of all the universes. My parents weren’t what you think they were, in fact they tried hard to control their very nature and raised me the same. For ten long years I attempted to be peaceful, I even attended the Oblivion School of Self-restraint, until my world collapsed around me. One day the Army of Light invaded our universe, the Centrion regiment ignorantly slaughtered my virtuous parents, and the Centrions didn’t care if they had never harmed a living creature. That day I diminished all of the walls I had constructed around my barbaric self for a decade, but I went further than any creature of Darkness had ever went before, I allowed the Grim Powers to enter my mind, and with the price of my own will I gained wicked powers.  With a twist of my finger I could destroy thousands of beings, and with a simple incantation I could destroy a whole world. No one will ever know how much I want to destroy the Centrions, they killed my parents and I will not stop until every last babe of their race is gone. Only a small bargain stands in my way, one I admit that is with someone greater then me. Also, there is a minor detail I forgot to add. There are four beings who together rival my power, and their names are Darek, Lira, Starguassi and Callie, small setbacks in my crusade of spreading evil.

(Deep, attractive male voice announces over intercom.) Testing, testing, one, two, three, it’s easy as one two three, as simple as do re me, one two three baby you and me, yeah! Do do do… (A rude young girl interrupts) Ahh, my ears!  Stop with the Michael Jackson impression already Starguassi! *Me, looking at the repulsive, two legged creature with exasperation) Jeeze, no one respects the announcers anymore. Anyway, on with the story. This is MY documentary of an average day, spent in the woods, waiting for the alien transport crew to PICK US UP ALREADY! (My Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is here at hand, seeing as I’m not panicking.) Anyway, I have to type this for my theater teacher, why she’s making me write this in script format is beyond me, but hey, she’s crazy.  *Annoying kid again* As crazy as Star is conceited. (Me) Hey, don’t make me do the Michael Jackson impression again! (The idiot again.) I think I’d rather listen to William Hung’s rendition of I believe I can fly. (My handsome baritone voice again) Even I sing better than that. Anyway, I have to do my homework now, so buzz off, kid. (Annoying twit who for some reason I desire to strangle at the moment.) How are you going to make a documentary about your daily life with us if NO ONE IS HERE? *Me* I’ll just observe the serene beauty that exists in the forest and record how my dear animal friends interact with the nature around them. (Callie) Are you on a drug? (Me, mocking surprise) However did you know? Anyway, you’re right, I should record what happens between me and the rest of you.  And a good way to start doing that is…


Starguassi: (Sets writing screen… er… computer on top of rock and walks over towards the sleeping Lira.  Being the kind, caring friend he is, he proceeds to gently wake her up.) Lira, quick, get up! Your boyfriend is ready to take you to the dance and you’re still wearing your pajamas!


Lira: (Her eyes shoot open and her wings unfurl.  Half awake, she throws off the raggedy blanket and groggily lifts herself off of the ground, stretching her paws as she leans against a tree with half open eyes.) *Moaning* Why didn’t you wake me up earlier?  I haven’t done my hair or taken a shower or… wait, huh? (Stops blabbering and looks around her.) Did I fall asleep in the woods? Where am… (Sees Starguassi. Her green eyes narrow in grumpiness as she pushes herself off the oak.)


Starguassi: (Even though he is a good-hearted, gentle, caring, kind soul, he cannot help roaring with laughter at Lira.) *In a teacher’s dull voice* And that, girls, is why you should never stay up all night partying.


Lira: (Approaching Starguassi, her eyes glinting with anger.  Luckily, the pixies are far away from her.) *Mockingly* Starguassi, have you seen the boy who is supposed to be picking me up?  The only guy around here is Darek, and I’m pretty sure the kid is more interested in soccer balls than me.


Callie: (Snickering) Poor Star, he has to go through life looking like a girl.  


Starguassi: (Grimaces) Oh sure, you ladies keep on insulting me, I’m going to take my documentary somewhere else.


Lira: (Heads back towards blanket, where she collapses on top of them.) Finally, we can get some sleep.  (Drops dead and falls back asleep, she must have stayed up all night again chattering away to her friends over the crystal communicator.)


Starguassi: (Starts to gallop in the opposite direction of the rude ladies.  Lifts off and is soon flying high over the trees. Meanwhile, he is taking note of his surroundings on the pad he records the script on with a strange stick called a pencil) *Speaking to self* Urghh, I’m hungry.  What was the eating facility Darek told me about? Oh yeah, I think it was called “Burger King”, what a strange name. I might as well see what’s so good about the food they serve there, Callie said I should try the “French thighs.”  I honestly don’t even want to know what they are but hey, I’m open to new foods.


Starguassi- (Starguassi is now at the edge of the forest near the black ground called a road.  Landing in the bushes, he uses his amazing, powerful magic to transform him into a stunning young human, well, as stunning as a furless, two-legged creature can get.  He smartly pulls out a wad of the human currency he’s been carrying around from his strange leggings called jeans. Ready to take on the human world, the handsome Star sets off on his journey, boldly walking across the vast expanse of black pavement.) *Speaking to self once more* Okay, so I follow these living blocks until I find a building that says “Burger- ACK! (A primitive transportation vehicle comes hurtling down the road towards the startled hunk of a man.  Thinking quickly, he runs away from the car, a strategically move on his part. Leaping safely onto the grass, he looks around to see the car honking madly at him, inside the vehicle an old man mutters “Kids these days, they don’t show any respect to the rules of the road.” Starguassi lets out a sigh of relief and continues on his way past the stores.) Okay, “Marty’s Car Insurance, Mattress Discounters, Victoria’s Secret- (He spots a mannequin adorned in ladies’ undergarments) Okay, I didn’t need to see that.  (While continuing to scrawl down the scenes around him, Starguassi accidentally stumbles on a stray rock, causing him to crash headfirst into the ground.) Ouch! Stupid rock. (He lifts himself off the ground, brushing his handsome hair out of his eyes.) Making documentaries is painful. How many stores are their? Sears, JC Penny, finally, Burger King! (Starguassi enters a large living block with walls decorated in interesting advertisements, such as “Buy a meal and get a Star Wars action figure free!” He approaches the counter where a gorgeous young lady is taking orders for food.  Her name tag says “Hello, my name is: CORY.” Taking note of this, Starguassi is prepared to order his food.)


Starguassi: *In a charming voice* Hey, Cory, you’re looking great today.  


Cory: (Without looking up from the money box, she replies) Go to the back of the line please, about twelve boys have tried that line today and I’m sick of it.  You’ll have to wait in line like everybody else.


Starguassi: Right… (Heads to the back of the line and stands behind a pair of teenagers, one with his arm around the girl.  Star thinks to himself that the young man should kiss the girl in private, being an expert in this field himself. The line finally shrinks until he is standing in front of the gorgeous Cory again.)


Cory: *In an exasperated voice* Hello, welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?


Starguassi: (Racking his brain for the most charming compliment he can remember, he finally decides upon one that makes all of the Centrion girls melt in their spot.)  Is it just my imagination, Cory, or are you looking brighter than a dragon’s flame, because your hotness is burning my eyes.


Cory: *Laughing* I think you’ve been playing to much Dungeons and Dragons, that line was even worse than the one before.  Now, what do you want to order, I can’t wait all day.


Starguassi: (He is puzzled, why hasn’t Cory fallen under his charming spell like all other girls?  He’ll melt this girl’s icy heart later, right now his stomach was commanding him to order food.) Okay, well, I’d like to place an order for French Thighs.


Cory: (Staring at him oddly.) Are you sure you don’t mean French Fries?


Starguassi: No, I said “French Thighs.”  At least, I think that’s where they’re from.


Cory: (Twists her face in puzzlement.) Are you from around here?


Starguassi: (He thinks of the first place he can remember.) Of course, I live just down the street in the large brick building.


Cory: You mean you live in the Giant?


Starguassi: *Surprised* There are giants around here?


Cory: *Annoyed* Duh, of course there are grocery stores.  Now hurry up, there are other people waiting. (Notices Starguassi is writing down the script on his pad. Cory eyes him suspiciously.) What are you writing?


Starguassi: Oh, I’m supposed to write a script about the whole day for my teacher.  


Cory: Right… So are you ready to order yet?


Starguassi: I told you I wanted “French Thighs.”


Cory: *rolls eyes* Look, your little act was cute at first, but now it’s just plain annoying.  Either order a real food or get out.


Starguassi: Okay, okay, tone down your temper please.  I’ll just have the French Fries or whatever they’re called.


Cory: *mutters to self* At least I get paid for this. *calls over shoulder* One order of fries! (Turns back towards Starguassi.)  That’ll be one dollar.


Starguassi: Sorry, I only have bills, not dollars.  


Cory: Could you please just give me one bill?


Starguassi: *Shrugs* Sure, you could have just said so in the first place. (Hands over a green piece of paper to Cory, who is looking extremely cute because she is in a temper.  Starguassi decides to try one more time to capture her attention.) You know, Cory, I’ve never seen someone with such blue eyes. They’re bluer than an afternoon sky. And your hair, I think only an elf could match your locks in its golden color.  (Starguassi is pleased with himself, even Lira would fall for that one.)


Cory: (Scowls at Starguassi.) Look, whatever your name is, first of all, I don’t find lines from the “Lord of the Rings Freak’s Handbook for Romantic Sayings” very romantic, and second of all, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.  And I don’t intend to break up with him to date a fantasy geek, no matter how good looking you might be. (As Starguassi is trying to figure out what Lord of the Rings is, Cory starts to put the bill in the money box, but then gasps in amazement.)


Cory: (Looking at Star in amazement.) This is a hundred dollar bill, I don’t have change for this!


Starguassi: (Having no idea what change or a hundred dollar bill is, he decides to come up with a charming response.) It’s okay, baby, you don’t need to give me change, you’re that special to me.  Keep it and have fun.


Cory: You really aren’t from around here.  I need a one dollar bill, you gave me a hundred dollar bill.


Starguassi: (Glances over towards another cashier and sees the customer putting money into a plastic jar labeled “TIPS”.) *Winks at Cory* You can keep the rest as a tip, someone so pretty as you deserves it.


Cory: (Is about to protest when an employee hands her the fries.  Starguassi quickly takes them from the counter.) *Shoves bill towards Star* I can’t accept this-


Starguassi: (Cuts her off in mid-sentence by romantically covering her mouth with his palm.) *Whispering* I just remembered, I’m allergic to bills.  You better keep it sweetie, otherwise I’ll just die from an allergy attack. Now be a good girl and save my life. (Before she can protest, Starguassi heads for the door, thinking about how smooth he is, no roughness around the edges with him when it comes to romance.  He pushes through the crowd of customers that are eyeing him oddly, thinking about how you are supposed to eat French Thighs, or whatever they’re called. He opens the door and is soon walking back towards the woods, ready to start the day. Now where’s the next hot chick he can make fall head over heels for him…)

End Scene One


Author’s\Starguassi’s note: Hello, Ms. Mallory, my lovely literature teacher.  I just want you to know that you’re my favorite teacher in the whole Academy, and that you are really special to me and have impacted my future so much that despite what the Prophecy of Four says I have to do, I am now planning on giving up my war-like ways and want to spend every moment of my thousand-year life making documentaries.  To help me in this process, it would really help me if you passed me on this assignment. Thank you and have a nice day.